Stone Cold Steve Austin vs Bill Goldberg

Brought to you courtesy of Tremors

Schiavone: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the greatest matchup in the history of this great sport!

Ross: This one's gonna be a slobberknocker folks!

Larry Zbyzsko says nothing, slowly getting up from this chair, looking high as a kite and salutes the crowd.
Mark Madden immediately rushes the broadcast booth to take Larry's spot but is wrestled down by security and escorted out of the building.

Schiavone: Goldberg lost the pre-show beer-drinking competition, so he'll come out first.

Goldberg walks out of his dressing room, only to find that all of his security guards are missing. This match is held for charity, after all, and additional expenses had to be cut down. Confused, Goldberg tries to make his way to the ring on his own, but gets lost somewhere in the arena's basement levels.

Ross: I'm not sure what's going on back there, Goldberg's not coming out.

Zbyzsko, in awe before the largest crowd he's ever seen, slowly walks closer to the fans to shake their hands.

Schiavone: Folks, this is the longest wait of all time! Don't touch that dial!

Ross: Hold on a minute, there .. what's that on the left side of the ring? Something's coming out of that air duct! It's .. it's Goldberg!

Schiavone: UNBELIEVABLE!!

Ross: Bill Goldberg is coming out of the sub-level air ducts!

The crowd reacts to Goldberg's arrival as he crawls out of the opening with a confused look about him.

Schiavone: WHAT A MOMENT!

Mesmerized by the huge crowd before him, Zbyzsko is slowly lured into them, with a spaced out look about him , as they lift him above their heads. Zbyzsko body surfs the crowd in peaceful bliss and is never seen again.

Ross: We've lost Larry.

Suddenly, the sound of breaking glass booms through the arena as Stone Cold Steve Austin's entrance music begins - and the crowd goes wild.

Ross: It's the rattlesnake! Business is about to pick up! Listen to the crowd!

Confusing him for Goldberg, the pyro techs light up the spark shower on the walkway as Austin approaches the target zone. Caught off Guard, Austin freaks, realises what just happened and runs to the east side corner of the arena to beat up the techies responsible for the light show.

Ross: Oh, my. In the WWF, a mistake like that would have cost those gentlemen their jobs.

Schiavone: Here in WCW, mistakes like those are considered creative booking.

Austin makes his way to the ring, climbs upto the mat, yells his favourite chocolate cake recipe at Goldberg, and then goes up a ring pst to salute the crowd, both arms extended.
Stone Cold climbs back down and walks upto Goldberg, nose to nose, and finishes yelling that cake recipe at him. Goldberg just keeps staring him down, wishing he had a pen and paper in hand.

Schiavone: Look at the raw intensity in both men's eyes ... intensity like we've never seen before, and likely will NEVER SEE AGAIN, FOLKS!

Austin pushes Goldberg back.

Schiavone: WHAT A MOVE!

Goldberg pushes Austin right back.

Schiavone: That's it. this match is over. Stick a fork in him he's done.

Ross: uh ... Tony, those are just shoves.

Schiavone: Sorry, it's just more action than I'm used to seeing in a main event.

Both men lock up!

Schiavone: Uh-oh.

Ross: Oh, damn. I was afraid this would happen.

Schiavone: They ... locked up, Jim.

Ross: I know that, Tony.

Schiavone (whispering): I lost sight of who's who.

Ross: So did I just wing it.

Schiavone: The ... bald guy gets the upper hand!

Ross: And the ... goateed wonder is down on one knee!

Schiavone: uh ... one of them just got a boot to the mid-section!

Ross: ...

Schiavone: uh ... YES! I think I see a tattoo!

Ross: Oh thank God.

Schiavone: It's Goldberg! Goldberg throws Austin over the top rope!

Austin land on the guard rail, and cuts himself mildly on the forehead while doing so. A tiny drop of blood makes its way down his brow.

Schiavone: OH MY GOD, WHAT THE @#$% IS THAT?!

Ross: Calm down, Tony. It's just a bit of blood. This is a contact sport, it perfectly nor...

Schiavone: MAKE IT STOP! BY GOD, MAKE IT STOP!

Jim Ross slaps Tony Schiavone across the face.

Ross: Get a hold of yourself, for Heaven's sake!

Austin pulls Goldberg out of the ring by his feet, as both men beat on each other with closed fists.
Then, the crowd turns it's attention towards a dark figure looming in he rafters high above the arena.

Schiavone: Look! It's Sting! IT'S STING!!

Ross: And he's got a bird with him!

Sting signals for the bird to fly to the ring to deliver his message, but it instead flies down into the crowd and attacks a fan.

Schiavone: Oh my...

Ross: er ... was that supposed to happen?

Security finally succeeds in restraining the bird, as medics are called in to carry it's victim to the back for some medical attention. Sting slides down a cable towards the ring below, but gets stuck about a third of the way down.

Ross: uh...

Schiavone (whispering): Ignore the problem, it'll go away.

Everyone forgets about Sting as Goldberg hurls Austin onto the nearest ringpost from the outside. He then picks him up and tosses him back into the ring.

Ross: I've never seen Stone Cold dominated in this way!

Goldberg climbs in and crouches as he prepares to deliver his spear. The crowd reacts accordingly!

Schiavone: Listen to that crowd! This is the GREATEST crowd in the hstory of this great sport!

Goldberg lunges forward and delivers the spear on Austin!

Ross: Austin is down! Austin is down!

Schiavone: INCREDIBLE! Not since I was last up for a raise has anyone gone down so fast!

The fans then once again turn their attention to the rafters atop the arena ... this time, it's Mankind!

Ross: Up in the rafters! It's Mankind!

Schiavone: THIS IS THE GREATEST MOMENT IN PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING!!

Mankind suicide-jumps to Stone Cold's aid ... says hi to Sting on the way down ... but ends up falling clear through the ring mat.

Schiavone: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!!

KER-PLAT!

Ross: Oh my goodness - Mankind has just jumped over 200 feet and gone right through the mat!

Schiavone faints.

Ross: ... Tony?

Distracted by the loud thud and the Mankind-shaped hole in the middle of the ring, Goldberg doesn't see Austin walk up behind him. Austin turns Goldberg around, kicks him in the mid-section, and applies the Stone Cold Stunner!

Ross: This is it!

Austin goes for the cover! As the ref begins his count, the ring fills with smoke ... when the smoke dissipates, both Goldberg and the ref are gone, and Warrior stands with a microphone at hand. The ref rings the bell to signal a no-contest finish for cause of ethereal kidnapping via teleportation.

Warrior speaks: Stone Cold Steve Austin ... throughout time, warriors have stepped forward and risen to the challenge. Men and women who set their vocational locale in stone; using their lifetime to achieve what most others can only reve about. In the optics of the reveur, successful achievements always seem as if they are done effortlessly, unaccompanied by travail, but rather, companied by luck or happenstance...

Austin looks around at the crowd to see if anyone else understands what this man is saying. The audience starts flooding the ring with debris, as one soft drink container accidently knocks Warrior's hidden earphone out, which falls and rolls into the gaping hole at his side created by Mankind's freefall. Warrior now just stands with a blank look on his face, a mix of confusion and dumbfoundedness about him.

Ross: Tony, wake up! Something's happened to the Warrior!

The crowd, as well as Austin, wait for Warrior to finish his thoughts. But all the Warrior can do is stare blindly ahead of him, with a little spittle making it's way down the side of his mouth.

He then begins to snarl...

And then grunt...

And then snarl again...

Austin has heard enough - and delivers the Stunner as the crowd erupts! The rattlesnake's music booms throughout the arena as he bends down to share more of his mother's recipes with the Warrior.
But the arena turns red, as Kane's entrance theme replaces Austin's.

Ross: Through Hellfire and Brimstone! It's Kane!

Kane walks to the ring, painfully stepping over the top rope despite the fact that it would evidently be far easier for him to go over the second, but Austin jumps on him and unmasks him before he can make a move.

Ross: Good Lord, it's ... the Blue Blazer!

The crowd gasps as Austin unmasks the Blue Blazer...

Ross: It's ... it's Rey Misterio Jr!

The crowd gasps again as Austin unmasks Rey Jr...

Ross: What the ... it's Max Mini!

Austn takes off the Mini mask, and finds nothing. Only a heavy pile of accumulated costumes and masks at his feet.

An awkward silence takes over the arena.

That is until the next interruption, as Hulk Hogan's ego rushes the ring, quickly followed by Hogan himself, Kevin Nash and Lex Luger. That's all the encouragement the other wrestlers backstage need to invade the ring as well. Every single wrestler in the arena is now in the ring in a gigantic screwjob battle royal! From Roaddog to Ric Flair, they're beating the hell out of each other.

Ross: We're out of time! This one's over folks! On behalf of the unconscious Tony Schiavone and Larry Zbyzsko ... wherever he may be ... have a good night!